I have been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. I thought about 2012 and how it turned out completely different than I expected. I thought about what 2013 has to offer and where I see myself heading.
I’m sorry if this seems kind of random and all over the place, but I needed to put it somewhere and let it all out…
2012 was not at all how I thought it would be. It was stocked full of friends and family, ups and downs, and many wonderful memories. Last new year’s, when the clock struck twelve and it was officially 2012, I was surrounded by a group of great friends and an amazing guy that I truly cared about. I didn’t think it could get any better than that. I was happy with where I was headed in life. I was about to start grad school at the University of Central Florida and I was beyond excited. If there is one thing I have discovered about myself over the years, it’s that I love going to school. I’m not crazy about homework and tests, but I love learning new things. I took two years off between undergrad and grad and it killed me to not be in a classroom learning about something, anything. I was nervous about starting grad school because I knew it would be harder, but I did extremely well and to this day still have a 4.0 GPA (nerd alert).
While I stayed busy with school and work, I still made sure to spend time with friends and family and, of course, my guy. Last spring, I was a constant presence at his school functions (he’s a teacher) and even went to every single performance of their spring musical, Les Mis. I was completely blown away by their performances each time and was sad to see so many of them graduating and going to bigger and better things at different universities. So far, 2012 was off to a great start and I thought it could only get better. Boy was I wrong.
I had many personal things happen last year and, unfortunately, they all happened at around the same time. For some time my parents were struggling with some issues and constantly arguing. Once summer rolled around it had gotten so bad that they separated. My mom was a wreck and came to me for comfort. I did the best I could, but having never been married or even in a situation as theirs, I fear that I did little to help. Her mood started affecting mine and I had no idea who I could talk to. Eventually I told my boyfriend and it made me feel better knowing that he knew…because he was the only person I had told. None of my friends knew. But they all found out just a few short weeks later when I literally felt like the whole world was against me. A few weeks after my birthday, I got the text that no one wants to ever get. I got the “we need to talk” text. I panicked. My bad habit of overthinking things started kicking in. And I just couldn’t focus on anything. The relationship that I was extremely happy in and thought was going so well had just hit a brick wall. In just a short amont of time, my relationship with the person I loved more than anything was over and there was nothing I could do about it. I was stunned and couldn’t believe what was happening. For a long time after that day, that dark day as I call it now, I could barely eat or sleep. I could barely muster a smile, let alone laugh. I wasn’t myself and borderline depressed. I felt like my heart had been shattered into a million tiny pieces and I had no clue if it would ever be whole again.
Luckily I had the fall semester getting ready to start and a new job, so I had plenty to keep me busy and not thinking about certain things. I did my best to focus my time and energy on school, work, and (most importantly) my mom. She needed me and I did my best to be there for her. I was learning to cope with my loss as well as my mom’s. The last few months of the year were some of the worst parts of last year, but also some of the best. Because out of a few bad things, several even better things happened. Several friendships that I had before my “dark day” became even stronger because of that day. I honestly don’t know what I would have done if it weren’t for a handful of people that stood by my side and helped me put the pieces of my life back together. I finally felt like my life was back on track and getting better each day. I still have some days where I go back to my old ways and just feel like crying, but they are few and far between. I managed to do well in school again and have spent as much time with my mom as possible. When the clock struck twelve, officially making it 2013, I was surrounded by some of the best friends I could hope to be with. I did think back to last new year’s, but I didn’t let it get me down. Because I’m focusing on myself now. I’m focusing on finishing my master’s this coming December and (hopefully) starting to teach next January. I am running in my first half marathon at the end of February and in June I will be turning 25. I’m going to see Taylor Swift in APRIL! I may even plan a trip or two to visit friends because I am long overdue for a fun vacation. And most importantly, I am focusing on my faith. When I lost all hope, I turned to God to help me through the difficult times and He was beside me every step of the way.
After thinking about my past year and how I pretty much went through my quarterlife crisis a year early, I feel like I am a better and stronger person. I am going to take all my experiences from last year, good and bad, and learn from them. I am going to do my best to continue supporting my mom in any way that I possibly can and I am going to continue strengthening my relationship with God and my friends.
I am excited to see what 2013 has in store for me and for my family. I have this feeling that 2013 will be even better than 2012.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.